I am constantly at odds with myself.

Sometimes when I feel like this I need to watch movies I’ve seen before where everyone has feelings they’re allowed to show so I can just cry about what happens in the movie and stop thinking about not feeling alive unless I feel alone.

In this movie right now Kristen Bell is running away from her real job to live at home and be a lifeguard instead. Sometimes I think about being a teenager and whatever else I used to be, with a bedroom that felt like mine and a series of bookmarks on my browser that mattered and occupied my time. Comics on the internet and books that were anything. The sun and the wind and the kind of thing that is in front of you.

Peace and quiet and open air.

In the last one Jennifer Grey wore peasant tops and bathing suits outside like it was all just fine. I sort of don’t believe that’s possible.

Passion is not something I have time for. I have too much and not enough time for anything. I’m letting myself be so hackneyed and cliche now. Soon I won’t just be some of what I hate, but all of it. I don’t want you to forget about me.

WordPress would have me amplify these posts. I don’t have the heart to tell it that no one wants me to amplify the whiny poems I write on the internet. I mean. I don’t, so.


trigger word

at least when she cries
she has something to do.

staying busy is probably the best thing you can do,
but at least when it isn’t, you can kill the people
who lied to you and said it would be.